Dear Reader, let me start off by being completely transparent. This has been written on the heels of a self-loathing week. Truthfully, I’m struggling to even be in my own skin. I have found myself in a vicious shame cycle. I’ve beat myself up left and right from my gray hair to the extra pounds that have parked themselves on my lower abdomen. I’m not writing this from a place of having this all figured out. Just the opposite, this is my attempt to externally process this concept. And you, my friend, happen to be here on my website, reading my heartfelt struggles (thanks for being here, BTW).
Although I know that I’m deeply loved by God, I often feel completely unlovable. I frequently remind myself; feelings are not facts. God does love me, so why is it so difficult to love myself? Am I saying God is wrong? I dare not! The question becomes how do I actually love myself?
Self-Love rooted in Biblical truth, accurately reflects the heart of our Heavenly Father towards us and gives us the foundation in which we are to “love others as ourselves”.
The phrase self-love is almost cringe-worthy in today’s church culture. We treat the word “self” like it’s a dirty word. Perhaps because it sounds too much like a pop-culture hashtag, #self-love…Thoughts of sappy multicolored “self-love” bumper stickers and catchy phrases like…”Treat Yo-self!” come to mind. Unfortunately, the world offers a shallow, empty form of self-indulgence from luxurious massages to debt-inducing shopping sprees and calls it self-love. May I say, the world’s version of self-love is nothing more than a mask for self-centeredness.
May I also suggest we ask for clarification when the phrase self-love is communicated by our brothers and sisters in the faith. Let’s seek to better understand each other instead of the usual knee-jerk rejection of this concept that’s so prevalent. I humbly believe the concept of true self-love is widely misunderstood. If we called it self-respect, would we get the same reaction? I don’t think so. Love and respect go hand and hand and are deeply connected. Our framework for respecting and loving ourselves and others has to have a Biblical foundation.
A common objection from the Christian community for the concept of self-love comes from Matthew 16:24 where Jesus told His disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” No one in that day viewed this as symbolic language. It was a straightforward statement by our Lord. It meant one would have to be willing to die for Jesus. He knew severe persecution was coming for His Church. He is calling us to die for our faith if need be. And yes, more broadly we are called to give up all, forsake all… our dreams, desires, and possession if they’re not in line with Jesus Christ. It’s not my understanding that we give up our self-respect. To mistreat ourselves for the sake of this statement.
This concept of loving yourself might sound simple if you were blessed to live in an encouraging family, where “at-a-boys” and “great job kiddo” flowed freely; “Oh course I love myself!” you might say. If this is your narrative, you have been blessed. I encourage you to thank the Lord for your rich and profoundly life-given upbringing. For others where home was a place of constant criticism, mistrust and dissatisfaction with your all efforts the concept of self-love is utterly foreign to you. I can empathize.
The concept of self-love is an opportunity to see myself as firmly rooted in my Biblical identity. I am loved by the King and dignity is part of my holy inheritance. This is not a feeling; this is a fact. Jesus teaches us in Matthew 22:36-40 to love God and love others:
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Jesus sums up all the Law and Prophets in these two commands. Wow, think about what this sounded like to a first century Jew living under the burden of 613 laws. Did they find this hard to comprehend? Or did His statement bring a sense of great relief? Maybe it conjured up more questions, who knows? My guess is that the statement provided both relief and curiosity. This scripture causes curiosity to rise up in me.
I have to ask myself a few questions. First, what is the true definition of love? And second, how can I love my neighbor as myself, if I don’t know how to actually love myself?
The Apostle Paul gives a biblical definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
I was asked early on in my walk with Jesus, to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, and everywhere the word love was used, replace it with my name, as a testing ground for my heart. Basically, am I as loving to others as I claim? This exercise came with plenty of holy conviction, and with an opportunity to repent and improve.
I’ve used this same concept today to test where I land on the self-love and/ or self-respect spectrum and so can you. Using 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 as the ultimate model of love, here’s how I think self-love plays out for me.
Love Is Patient: Deb is patient with herself.
I am choosing to be patient with myself during my healing journey. Practicing patience when learning a new and challenging task. Patient with myself when I make mistakes, recognizing I’m a work in progress, and mistakes are learning opportunities not dead ends. Praise God with repentance I am washed clean. I am also choosing to be patient and persistent in prayer life when my current trials have me asking Jesus to help me over and over.
- James 1:2-4: My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
Love Is Kind: Deb is kind to herself.
I am choosing to be kind with my words, speaking life to myself instead of death. Speaking the truth about my identity in Christ instead of taking on the world’s identity for me. Being kind in the “Re-parenting” process, arresting and replacing the negative messages of my past. I am also choosing to speak to myself in a loving way, and not allowing my inner dialogue to be that of the critical parent.
- Proverbs 18:21: The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Love Does Not Envy: Deb does not envy.
I am choosing to not compare myself with others. Not wishing I could be someone else, someone younger, prettier, smarter, thinner. Recognizing everything I have is a gift from the Lord. My gifts and talents are suited just for me, so I can help draw people to Jesus.
- Romans 13:13: Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying.
Love Does Not Boast And Is Not Proud: Deb does not boast and is not proud.
I know I only need to boast about what Christ has done for me. Christ’s redemption. I can do nothing apart from Him.
- James 4:6b: God resists the proud but gives grace unto the humble.
Love Does Not Dishonor Others: Deb does not dishonor herself.
Dishonor is a state of shame or disgrace. I do not allow myself to be in a perpetual shame cycle or participate in self-destructive behaviors. I quickly correct unhealthy coping patterns. I do not dishonor myself by allowing people to cross healthy established boundaries I have set for myself.
- Proverbs 3:35: The wise will inherit honor, but fools display dishonor.
Love Is Not Self-Seeking: Deb does not only think of herself.
I choose not to allow selfish desires to become an avenue for sinfulness and self-destruction.
- John 3:30: HE must increase, but I must decrease.
- Philippians 2:3: Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.
Love Is Not Easily Angered: Deb does not get easily angered with herself.
To choose to give myself grace when I make mistakes, focusing on solutions not problems. I choose not to make mountains out of mole hills.
- James 1:19-20: So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
Love Keeps No Record Of Wrongs: Deb keeps no records of wrongs.
I choose not to keep reminding myself of my shortcomings. Not reliving and replaying the very things I have already repented of. I walk in the forgiveness God so richly bestows.
- The Apostle Paul, didn’t focus on the fact that he killed Christian before his conversion, if he allowed shame and guilt to swallow him whole, he would have been ineffective at spreading the Gospel. He let go, and allowed the forgiveness of Jesus Christ to wash him clean and he pressed toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:14)
Love Does Not Delight In Evil: Deb does not delight in evil.
I am not ok with any evil thoughts or actions I commit. I repent, knowing evil thoughts lead to evil actions when I allow them to go unchecked.
- Proverbs 8:13: The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate.
Love Rejoices With The Truth: Deb rejoices in the truth about who she is in Christ Jesus. Jesus not “A” truth, He is “THE” truth. I rejoice in who He says I am… redeemed, reborn, beloved, made righteous by the blood of the Lamb.
- John 14:6: Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.
Love Always Protects: Deb protects herself.
I establish healthy boundaries with my time, my energy, my body, and with my mental health. Resting when I need to rest. Protecting myself from the lusts of this world, and careful of what my eyes, ears and body consume.
- 1 Corinthians 15:33: Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good character.”
- 1 John 2:16: For all that is in the world — the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life — is not of the Father but is of the world.
Love Always Trusts: Deb always trusts.
I trust in the wisdom and discernment God has provided to me through His Word. His Word is my standard of truth in all seasons.
- 2 Tim. 3:16: All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.
Love Always Hopes: Deb always hopes.
Hope is a firm belief in a future event. I have a firm belief in the power of Jesus’s sanctifying work. I will one day walk through life healed and victorious. I believe my best life awaits me in Heaven, in my Savior’s embrace.
- Jeremiah 17:7: Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD.
Love Always Perseveres: Deb always perseveres with herself.
I choose to endure through the messy and bittersweet sanctification process. Being a good steward of my suffering. Believing God can turn my brokenness into His masterpiece of Grace. All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.
- Jude 1: 24: Now unto Him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy.
Worldly self-love is dangerous and seducing. It has the power to lead us into idolatry of self. However, self-love using God’s definition of love truly empowers us to love our neighbor as ourselves.
