Dear Reader,
You’re invited to step into the recesses of my vulnerability. Beware this story is not for the faint of heart. I have chosen to share my story of sexual abuse and my journey to forgiveness. My thoughts immediately go to what are those closest to me going to think. I could bet my last dollar some would say I shouldn’t be airing my “dirty laundry” in a public forum. However, as an advocate for sexual abuse prevention, I am far more concerned with removing the stigma surrounding sexual abuse than I am with how uncomfortable this might make the people in my life.
Sharing my story has helped me heal. My hope is you’ll learn that your own story can be a powerful and instrumental tool in helping others process their pain. My healing process was definitely a journey not a sprint. The letter begins as an exercise of raw release and ends with my “takeaways” which came almost two years later. I genuinely hope this story helps you find your voice.
Texas Beauty Queen
I came across your picture the other day. I’ll call you “Texas Beauty Queen“, for the sake of this letter, you were beautiful on the outside, wretched on the inside….
I shuffle through past photos that were scattered across the dining room table; the dim lighting, bouncing off each glossy photo. I catch a glimpse of myself in an old picture. There I stood with my hands on my little hips, head tilt to one side. At the young age of 7, I was pudgy with dark, short hair. In my eyes you could see innocence, trust, and vulnerability. Webster’s dictionary defines vulnerable as susceptible to physical or emotional attack. At 42, I’m finally willing and able to deal with the wounds you inflicted on my 7-year-old soul. It’s mind-blowing it only took one moment in time, a single instant in your bed 35 years ago to leave such an aftermath of self-destruction, shame and fear. Which eventually led to a crisis of sexual identity. Texas Beauty Queen, you molested me.
I was spending the night at your family’s home. As the night came to a close, I was told to go to bed in your room. All these years later I’m uncertain how you persuaded me to come to bed in my nightgown with no panties. I always wore panties. As you locked the door behind us, and slid into bed next to me, you spoke in a low seductive tone; I remember like it was yesterday, the sound of your voice gave me an overwhelming sense of feeling dirty and exposed. I thought to myself, I wish I was wearing panties. You leaned toward my ear and whispered, “We should kiss, like they do in the movies….”
To this day the thought of that night makes my skin crawl. What were you thinking? How could you???Sadly at 7, I didn’t know I could say no. You were much older than me. Older kids always got their way. I learned from childhood experiences you could scream NO at the top of your lunges, but NO didn’t make it stop. I was conditioned to believe NO didn’t really mean NO. Numerous times in early childhood I felt completely out of control, crying tears of frustration when my much older brother would hold me down. He would violently kiss and tickle me, until I felt like I was suffocating. It was painful and exhausting, and I knew it would be over faster if I just held still. I learned that others were allowed to have control over my body.
You groomed me to trust you, always paying me special attention to me. I looked up to you. I just wanted you to like me. You leaned over to French kiss me….I can only remember parts of the abuse which is fairly common for survivors. I do wonder what else you did to me that night? But I can tell you this, the most devastating part of this night was the massive ocean of guilt and shame that came from the sensation of physical arousal. For 35 years I beat myself up. I felt total disgust and self-hatred for having a healthy physiological reaction to an unhealthy act of violation committed upon me. Due to the arousal, I questioned my sexuality; and thanks to this night I battled same-sex attractions for decades.
Your decision that night had lasting consequences in my life. This event shaped not only how I viewed myself, but how I would go on to view sex in general. Being sexualized during the age of innocence created in me a fixation with sex and sensuality. I began to view myself as an object to be used. People seem to just take what they wanted. I thought, if I gave it away, then at least I was the one in control.
Sexual objectification is defined as treating a person as a mere instrument of sexual pleasure. Lacking dignity and self-respect in my early twenties and even into my thirties, being objectified became a dangerous and perverse turn on for me. The more deviant, dirty and wrong the sex was the more I craved it. These behaviors were feeding into many deeply rooted, subconscious lies (which I will refer to as a “Life Commandment”). These lies echo in my mind like an unholy anthem– “I am insignificant“, “I am nothing but a sex object”. Which I chose to believe when I revealed what you had done and received the brush off. Today I break these Life Commandments.
I have chosen to carry these toxic beliefs into adulthood, and now I take responsibility for believing these lies, so I may be truly healed and to move on with my life. These Life Commandments have cost me more than I can probably comprehend. These lies drove a compulsion for depravity, pornography, and objectification. It kept me in a vicious cycle of desperately trying to feed a deep unquenchable lust. Being the object of desire, being sexy, became my whole identity. And seduction became my game for power and control, because I never had any as a child. It was the way I erected my fortress around my precious 7-year-old soul.
I have to ask myself, have I ever…. really made love. Sure, I had lovers, but calling them LOVERS seems like a devastatingly cruel joke. Because of all the pain I experienced, I chose to never let myself be fully known. I never allowed anyone to discover the real me, with all my hurts and all my wounds. My husband(s) never really knew me; for goodness’s sake, I’M actually just getting to know me for the beautiful soul I truly am, instead of the object of desire.
I often think you went about your life never giving another thought to the immense repercussions your actions had in my life. Maybe you remember, maybe you even regret, or maybe you are still a child predator. Maybe you, yourself were sexually abused and you’re battling for life. Perhaps you’re feeling like you’re drowning, like I had experienced for decades.
Texas Beauty Queen, I’ve learned that unforgiveness is like ingesting a deadly poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s toxic to mind, body and soul. Unforgiveness has kept me, bitter and guarded. It has consumed much of my hope and joy. It has not given me power it’s imprisoned me. I will not allow another day to be lost. I refuse to continue dwelling on past hurts, even the ones I inflicted on myself.
Today, all these years later, I genuinely forgive you. Not because it’s easy and CERTAINLY NOT because I think what happened was OK. What you did was wrong, it will always be wrong. I forgive you because God, through Christ Jesus forgave me of ALL my wickedness and depravity. Through His blood He washes me clean. The Bible states “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool”. See Jesus has already settled the matter. He has transformed me into His beloved and precious daughter.
You may not know this, but God has an amazing purpose for your life too; you can know Him as Father, Savior and friend. He can forgive you of this. His love, grace and mercy has changed my life, and it can change yours too. I pray one day you seek HIS forgiveness. His forgiveness and salvation are available to all who will repent and believe.
This day I reclaim my freedom from these toxic thought patterns, I will no longer bear the weight of them. I am a picture of redemption, restoration, healing, transformation, and His Amazing Grace.
From,
Deb Marsalisi
Dear Reader,
Thank you for reading my story. I hope it encourages you to rest in the realization you’re not alone. Trauma doesn’t have to define or determine your destiny. Life is an amazing adventure when you choose to walk in healing and wholeness. Here’s what I have learned along the way.
The Power of a Life Commandment*?
In my letter I utilize the term, Life Commandment. A Life Commandment is a subconscious belief held about ourselves or the world around us. These are usually learned in early childhood, they were either directly taught, implied or inferred. Negative or positive Life Commandments have the power to govern our lives. Up until recently, I truly didn’t recognize how many of my life choices were being viewed through a distorted lens of past hurts and beliefs. We live out what we think (Proverbs 23:7a “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he”). May I encourage you to be mindful of your thoughts. I have learned that our thoughts determine our words, our words determine our actions, our actions determine our character, and our character determines our destiny. The Word of God encourages us to think on things that are true, honest, and just. Things that are pure, praiseworthy and have virtue (Phil 4:8).
We Get to Choose
My negative Life Commandments fueled shame, unworthiness, fear, and insignificance. I allowed these false beliefs to rule over me. They left deadly deposits on my soul, producing devastation instead of life. My false beliefs created a pattern of self-destruction. Sit back and consider, do you have any negative Life Commandments? Unfortunately, most of us do. Acknowledge and sort through unhealthy thought patterns. Choose to forgive yourselves for a season of believing lies, you didn’t know any better. Second you have the liberty to choose how you’d like to move forward in life. The good news is once we acknowledge which Life Commandments have been harmful, we can write new ones. It takes discipline to change the way we think, to arrest toxic thoughts and replace them with God’s Word. I know not everyone that comes across this article will view the world as I do. But, as you can probably discern from my letter, I hold firmly to a Christian worldview. This allows me to embrace my God-given identity. As a forgiven, redeemed woman of God. I choose to walk in who the LORD says I am. A woman of value, worth, and significance. And so can you.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Happen Overnight
Oh, how I wish forgiveness did happened overnight; life would be so much easier. In my experience, forgiveness is a journey not a sprint. There have been times I genuinely thought I had forgiven someone, to later find out I was still harboring bitterness towards them. If you can relate, let this bring you to Jesus; there’s more healing that needs to happen before intellectual forgiveness turns to heart forgiveness. Don’t be discouraged with this repetitive process, continue asking Jesus for help. Feelings are real and sometimes raw, but at the end of the day they are just feelings. They don’t define you nor should they be allowed to rule over your faith and intellect. Please be mentally prepared for feelings to take much longer to align with genuine forgiveness. However, over time I’ve found feelings WILL eventually align with a heart of forgiveness. Ask Jesus for empowerment and strengthen to forgive the way He forgives. I love the intimacy of the invitation and the encouragement to ask Him for help. (Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given to you: seek, and ye shall find: knock, and it shall be opened unto you.)
Have you ever heard someone say, just lay down the hurt, anger, rejection and unforgiveness at the foot of the cross? What does that really mean? Is that just Christian talk? I don’t think so, I believe faith is action orientated. Faith is a verb (sorry, all you grammar purist, I know it’s really a noun, work with me here). Putting your faith into action; directs us towards crying out to God. He is fully aware and can completely handle every tear, every scream, and every disappointment you have. He can enable you to view the person you hold unforgiveness towards as a creation of His glorious hand. If you can, pray for them. I have personally repeated this process countless times. All I know is there’s such freedom in letting go of the anger and bitterness. I want that kind of freedom for you.
May God be with you in your healing journey.
With Sisterly Love,
Deb Marsalisi
*This concept was learned from an educational program called Life Skills International. I am paraphrasing the definition based on my own understanding. (I am not affiliated with the organization, just a former student; feel free to research them yourself).