My heart and intention in writing this letter was to heal from the brokenness of love lost, not to harm those involved. I have changed names and details to protect the privacy of those included in my life’s history….
Once Upon a Divorce
Dedicated to The Man That Sent Me on a Journey of Self-Discovery…..
I woke up one morning to the strangest sense of heaviness on my heart, oblivious to the fact that it marked the exact day to the end of our decade long relationship. This was the day the divorce was finalized. I was embarking on a new career adventure, one that never would have been possible married to you. I needed to show proof of my legal name change. I went digging through my ever so messy filing cabinet to search the folder labeled DIVORCES. That’s right… with a large blaring letter S at the end of the word, swept past the first name change from Roth back to Marsalisi, to come across the 2nd name change. There it was in bold letters “Final Judgment of Simplified Dissolution of Marriage” stamped June 5th, 2012. Simplified, the word itself was dripping with cruelty, it was NOT simply; nothing about the marriage was simply and equally nothing about the changing tide of our marriage, that led us to that Broward County courtroom was simple. I have chosen for the last six years to hold on to the toxic belief that “Marco Decarlo took the best years of my life” , took them away, and tossed them aside, my twenties and the mild stone into my thirties. That belief gives YOU so much power, and it’s a total lie. A lie that has kept me guarded, mistrusting and protecting the depths of my soul. I have chosen to carry that toxic belief with me like a banner of failure, and now I take responsibility for it, in order to be fully healed and to move on.
Marco Decarlo many times you were the source of my greatest joy and my deepest, most gut-wrenching pain. The promise was to love each other for better or worse. To love each other till death parted us. To me, giving my life over to Christ was my best; to you it was my worst. Things you echoed you wanted the most in our marriage; for me to have more fun with the kids, to engage with your family more, to gladly take better care of the house, through Jesus you were abundantly blessed with those very requests. He gave you those things you claim you desired the most, because He wanted to pour out His love to you, through me. He who finds a wife, finds a good thing, he obtains favor from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22). My heart still breaks for you, that you squandered your blessing and the blessing for your family. You were so concerned with what you weren’t getting; your dirty little party girl that you didn’t recognize that standing before you was a new, redeemed woman of God, that would have satisfied the depths of your own hungry soul. Would have championed for your greatness, would have celebrated your biggest spiritual victories. You were getting substance, submission, honor and respectfulness.
I could hear your voice like it was yesterday, crying out in anguish, “Where’s MY Deb!?!” I remember the sadness in your voice, it broke my heart. The look on your face is forever chiseled in my memory, when I told you “she died in a watery grave, when I got baptized and you had missed the funeral”. Marco, you wept for a shell of a woman that shared the barstool next to you. You were a man that had a way of safely barricading yourself into rigid routines. You realized the tide of our lives together was on the verge of massive change and you were frightened. You mourn for a lifestyle of partying you felt was slipping through your very hands. You wept for the walking dead. Unfortunately, like a true addict you gave up a legacy of family for a bottle of Corona and a joint.
“It’s not my job to make you happy!” you screamed at me in our smoke filled garage. At that time, that was so piercing, a statement that would have made even the strongest of wives cringe. It has taken a great deal of emotional healing in all areas of my life to recognize you were absolutely right. My heart was famished for significance, purpose, acceptance and identity. Those were the things I had been desperate for my whole life. I truly believe this is the deepest longing of all humanity. You couldn’t possibly provide that to me…nor could I provide it for myself. Only the Bread of Life, Jesus can satisfy that kind of hunger. He has been able to provide this to me. My decade with you felt like a perpetual hamster wheel, going around and around trying to please you. And it was never enough. Because, like previously stated, you finally received all that you asked for and it still wasn’t good enough. Praise God, He thinks I’m good enough, worthy of love, valuable enough not to forsake. I wanted nothing more but to share the enormous, overwhelming joy I felt from His touch, to share the glory of His transformation of my life.
See Marco, I thought we were so intimate, so close, because we shared an incredible sex life. But the truth was, I had never let myself be truly known, completely and utterly exposed, with all my hurts and all my wounds. As my husband, you never really knew me; I’M just getting to know me for the beautiful soul I truly am, instead of an object of desire. You paraded me on your arm like your greatest conquest. You felt like a man, when others would look and say “How’d a guy like you, get a girl like that”. You never “got me”, because I never really allowed you into the depths of my heart. You got a caricature, an imitation of me. So great was my wall of protection, not even the bravest warrior could have scaled it….oh, but Jesus did! I am so immensely grateful, I have been able to learn, and love the most vulnerable parts of myself….in the safety of My Savior’s arms.
What you don’t know about me is, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by a family friend at the age of 7 and then in my early twenties, I survived a rape at work on my lunch hour. I allowed these experiences to birth in me a deep shame, a raging anger, a fortress around my heart, and hatred for my body. The act of being sexualized during the age of innocence created a fixation with sex and sensuality, viewing myself as an object to be used. I was feeding into one of many deeply rooted lies I chose to carry. A lie that said, I was insignificant.
You even acknowledged and remarked when we were newly dating, how I prioritize being sexy over everything else, simply by the way I arranged my shoes on the shoe rack, the sexy ones absolutely had to go on top. Do you recall when we first became sexual? Initially our experiences in the bedroom were so painfully awkward. You were shocked when I asked if you were going to break up with me, because of it. This spoke to my direct and toxic correlation between sex and self-worth.
What I have come to learn is you were a part of a larger pattern. You were just another puzzle piece to my epic story of self-destruction. I must’ve inadvertently been on a mission to fall for men that would ultimately treat me exactly how I felt about myself. You were not my first puzzle piece, but by the grace and wisdom of God, you WILL be the last destructive piece. God is creating a beautiful new tapestry for me. The Lord has been helping me recognize and break generational patterns. If we’re truly honest we all have patterns. Relationships have a 10 year expiration date, seem to be yours.
The whirlwind of memories reminds me that I was never safe with you, not emotionally and not physically. And you proved that when threats of violence came hurling out of your gritted teeth. I look back on that night in our garage, when you flung that chair across the room and came charging at me. I am so eternally grateful for the both of us; that I took my son and left that night, before the threats became a reality. In that moment I believe I was more terrified of me, than I was of you. The images that invaded my mind were graphic. I couldn’t let you unleash a brewing rage that had always been teeming directly under the surface my whole life. In no way do I condone crimes of passion, but I CAN wrap my brain around how they can happen in a blink of an eye. I am convinced that night would have ultimately led to bloodshed.
I can now see that I was a codependent woman. I tried to be who you wanted me to be, if you were happy with me, I was happy with me. My self-worth had no anchor, it vacillated. The co-dependency, the striving for significance and acceptance came from wounding.
You were such a master at communication; you wheeled your skill like a carving knife to manipulate, to cast the blame and burden on me, so you wouldn’t have to take responsibility for anything. You had an amazing way of convincing me, all that was wrong in our relationship was either the way I had viewed it or it was just plainly my fault… ultimately Marco was right and Deb was wrong. And in some cases I WAS wrong, really wrong and the circumstances were definitely being viewed through a distorted lens of past hurts; but more times than not I took ownership of things that rightly belonged to you. Do you realize I only receive one actual “I’m sorry” in our entire marriage? That only came after I pleaded with you to remove drugs from our home. You plainly and boldly told me a direct lie (the drugs were gone) and were caught.
As a matter of fact, I think you lied often. If you are anything like I remember, I believe you still comfort yourself with sweet lies, to help you get through your daily, mundane, existence. Denial is powerful and seducing. Denial is a way of self-soothing. Beckoning you into a false confidence, some would best describe it as arrogance. It’s your grandest survival mechanism. And just as addicting as any drug.
In our marriage we were both wearing a mask. Even after the marriage had ended; you held tightly onto the lie that you had not had an affair with Maria. Because that would mean you would have to come face to face with your own integrity. How sobering.
You may indeed think it’s sad it’s taken 6 years for me to arrive at this point, but when you’ve had a lifelong habit of self-protecting and stuffing down vulnerable emotions since early childhood; it takes a very long time to deal with loss, pain, and grief.
I choose to break the pattern. It has been a lengthy process to realize vulnerability is an act of enormous courage. Research shows dealing with a divorce is akin to dealing with a death. The bible describes divorces as “tearing asunder”, in other words “ripping to shreds”; the kind of grief that shakes you to the very core of your being and rattles the foundation of hopes and dreams. I have learned that it’s impossible to heal and forgive until you allow yourself to feel the brunt of the pain. Thank God, I have finally been able to do that.
I want you to understand how much you hurt me. You pursued her with compliments and flowers, all the while coming home to a woman you used to pay half the bills, and take care of your family. You paraded her in front of my face. I didn’t realize it at the time but went on a date with the two of you, and your foolishly- loyal buddy Randy acted as HER decoy boyfriend. For all the roads we walked together by that point, the ups and downs, multiple job losses, financial struggles, and your insane ex-wife’s antics, I stood by your side. I wasn’t perfect, I’m sure I hurt you too. But I didn’t deserve infidelity. I deserved honor, protection, love, respect and fidelity.
Your actions had consequences in my life and the kids. Your actions, coupled with my willingness to believe the lie that you robbed me of the best years of my life, cost me more than I can probably comprehend. That belief and past traumas drove me to be incredibly distrusting of men. Up until recently my “tough girl” wall was nearly impenetrable, inside that wall stood a sad, frightened little girl. It made me doubt that marriage could ever be successful. It drove me to flee from a few kind and godly men, probably due to a subconscious belief that they would eventually reject me too.
June 5th, 2018 was a bitter-sweet turning point for me. I was no longer going to let that lie reign in my life anymore. I was NOT going to let you have that kind of immense power over my future. On that day I reclaimed my freedom from toxic beliefs and behavior patterns. I got into my vehicle and drove the mile and half down the road to our old apartment. I pulled into our former parking spot. The car idled in front of the door that used to hold our story; I stared at the number on the door 6-9-1-4. As I placed my head against the car seat and closed my eyes, the silence was deafening. I allowed the many thoughts to quietly wash over me, first like a gentle ocean wave and then like a crashing tsunami. Warm tears rolled down my face as the memories began to play across my mind like a movie screen. Thoughts of family movie night, the way the kids loved Sunday morning breakfast. Their excited, radiant smiles on Christmas morning, or the way they drove us crazy when they would get into a disagreement. Sand castles, broken fingers, favorite birthday meals and hurricane parking lot parties, all of those moments were not a waste! Raising a family was sticky, joyful and at times really painful. To change one part of that history would change the fabric of me.
My identity is no longer derived from my sexuality, or from the acceptance of a man, it’s not the result of the size of my jeans or the look of my hair. My identity is wholly rooted in how the Lord sees me. I am the beloved daughter of the Most High King. The Lord has taught me, I am not insignificant; on the contrary, I am celebrated. That’s right, celebrated! Zephaniah 3:17 reads, “The Lord your God in the midst of you, He is mighty; He will save, He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will rest in His love, He will joy over you with singing”. The same God who created the rugged mountains, deep blue oceans, lush green valleys and vast galaxies, looked at the world and thought the world needed one of me too! I am His work of art, precious in His sight, His epic poem of Creation. My whole life I have longed to be truly loved. The God of the Universe is delighted to sing over me, WOW, just wow! HE makes me worthy, HE makes me significant. I finally have the acceptance; I have craved my entire life. I am a picture of God’s masterful creativity, His redemption, restoration, healing, transformation, and His Amazing Grace. In one of the last discussions we had before you left, you said, “You’re in love with another man, you’re in love with Jesus, I have to go”. How can I not be madly in love with a God who has seen the depth of my depravity, and yet instead of running from me, relentlessly pursued me? As he has shown me HIS glory through MY suffering, I have fallen deeper in love with Him.
I forgive you for the hurt you caused me and the boys. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse your behaviors. I’ve been taught that unforgiveness is carrying the weight of someone else’s offense. I have carried a lot of unnecessary weight over the years….and it’s really heavy. I forgive you Marco because God, through Christ Jesus forgave me of ALL my wickedness and rebellion. Through His blood and Resurrection He washes me clean. The Bible reads “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool”. See God has already settled the matter. The massive gratitude I have for His astonishing grace, I can only extend outward to you and Maria. I pray one day you seek HIS forgiveness. His forgiveness, mercy and salvation are available to all who will repent and believe. He has a plan for your life that is far better than you could ever imagine. I pray the best for you and your wife, that your life together is rich and full. I pray you will treat her with incredible love, protection, respect and fidelity. May you hunger and thirst for righteousness, your Living Water awaits you.
Blessings,
Debra
